Cash-Strapped Council Cracks Code: Just Call Slavery a “Diversionary Program”
In what’s being hailed internally as a “genius fiscal innovation,” Tamworth Council has reportedly found the perfect way to avoid paying for an animal rehousing service — by getting at-risk kids to do it for free.
Under the guise of a “diversionary youth program,” the council plans to “empower” young people at risk of criminal activity by handing them mops, shovels, and kennels to clean — all while the adults in charge pose for grant photos.
Sources inside council chambers say the idea came about after staff realised that “animals cost money,” and “money is something we do not, under any circumstances, wish to spend.”
“It’s a beautiful solution,” said one councillor, while pretending to read from a youth engagement strategy. “We can’t afford to pay proper staff, and we can’t run it ourselves — so we’ll just outsource it to a third party, hand them some kids, and call it community service. Everyone wins, especially the budget.”
The proposal claims it will keep young people out of trouble by giving them “structure and purpose,” though critics argue it sounds suspiciously like a rebranded work camp.
“Yeah, because nothing says rehabilitation like scrubbing kennels for exposure,” said one local resident. “Next they’ll have them doing road maintenance as a mindfulness exercise.”
Council officials insist it’s all about “connection and care” — though insiders say the program mostly reflects council’s long-running desire to look compassionate without opening the wallet.
“Running an animal shelter is expensive,” said one staffer. “But running a free labour scheme disguised as rehabilitation? That’s good governance.”
The plan reportedly includes partnering with an external organisation, allowing council to maintain maximum distance if — or more likely when — someone points out that using unpaid teenagers to do municipal work sounds a bit like a 19th-century coal mine.
Locals say the announcement fits perfectly with Tamworth’s approach to problem-solving: find someone else to do it cheaper, preferably with a heartwarming quote about community spirit.
“Council will probably launch it with a photo of a councillor holding a puppy,” said one resident. “Meanwhile, a teenager in the background is being told this counts as both ‘volunteering’ and ‘crime prevention.’”
When asked if the youth participants would receive any pay or recognition, a council spokesperson clarified:
“They’ll receive valuable life experience and the opportunity to not go to jail. That’s our version of a salary.”
At press time, council was reportedly exploring further budget-saving initiatives, including “rehabilitative verge mowing,” “youth-led pothole mindfulness,” and a “community-run rates department”.
This article is not truthful. Although there are some elements that are related to real events, this is not truthful or factual in anyway. Modern Slavery is a crime.
