Tamworth locals have once again been treated to a masterclass in what happens when old-school policing meets new-age council policy, after a former police officer–turned–councillor declared that “any cop who’s worked in a regional town can tell you the surnames of shitbag families.”

Tamworth Council has once again proven that satire writes itself, voting against asking residents if they’d like to elect their own mayor because it’s “too expensive” — before approving a $100,000 concept plan for a project based on free child labour.

In what experts are calling “a bold new approach to local government finance,” Tamworth Council has asked IPART for permission to jack up local rates by 153%, after realising that all the projects they’d promised the community actually need to be paid for.

In what’s being hailed internally as a “genius fiscal innovation,” Tamworth Council has reportedly found the perfect way to avoid paying for an animal rehousing service — by getting at-risk kids to do it for free.

Tonight’s council meeting had all the subtlety of a reality TV meltdown, with eye-rolls, sighs, and passive-aggressive glances flying across the chamber like designer handbags at a reunion special.

The town’s quiet weeknights are about to be interrupted once again, with Year 12 students set to take part in the annual Treasure Hunt — the traditional farewell event that involves ticking off a chaotic checklist of late-night tasks while running purely on adrenaline and KFC gravy.

Tamworth’s iconic Peel Street has once again lived up to its reputation this morning, with just a light drizzle turning the CBD’s main drag into what locals are describing as “the slickest ice rink this side of Moscow.”

Tamworth Council executives have reportedly taken to calling their executive meetings a “tribal council”, a title usually reserved for a reality TV show where people fight for coconuts, not ratepayer funds.

Tamworth Council has today unveiled a four-minute video that, according to residents, manages to say less than a councillor at question time — but with better lighting.

Tamworth Regional Council has confirmed that the greatest threat to democracy isn’t potholes, rates or broken promises — it’s people daring to disagree with councillors online.

Tamworth locals were today given a rare glimpse into an alternate reality where the town’s most prominent eyesore, the old Regent Cinema, could be something other than a pigeon sanctuary and asbestos guessing game.

A local state MP has stunned colleagues in parliament this week by delivering the kind of economic insight you just can’t put a price on: chickens need water, and Tamworth has three KFCs that need chickens.

Tamworth drivers are once again bracing for suspension-snapping chaos after a single day of rain has turned local roads into what experts are calling “an interactive obstacle course for the unwilling.”

Tamworth’s very own Councillor Tomato has today reached previously unseen shades of red after a colleague dared to suggest that council should actually answer community questions in public.

Tamworth Regional Council has once again demonstrated its commitment to open and transparent governance by swiftly removing a Facebook comment that dared to question who exactly gave them advice about Ray Walsh House tiles.

Tamworth’s Quality Business Awards, a glittering celebration of sequins, speeches, and sponsorship logos, was briefly overshadowed on Saturday night when a sponsor used their moment on stage to publicly scold a councillor for not attending.

In breaking news that has rocked exactly zero historians and at least three Facebook comment sections, Tamworth Regional Council has officially confirmed that the tiles in Ray Walsh House “may or may not have been marble.”
Photo: TRRRA