‘We Just Need To Take The Kids’ Says Councillor Auditioning For Role In Historical Inquiry

Tamworth locals have once again been treated to a masterclass in what happens when old-school policing meets new-age council policy, after a former police officer–turned–councillor declared that “any cop who’s worked in a regional town can tell you the surnames of shitbag families.”

The councillor — who earlier this year floated the idea of accessing people’s health records to “deter crime” — reportedly doubled down on his belief that the best way to “break the cycle” of offending was to “get the kids away from those families,” a statement experts say reads less like social reform and more like a sequel to the Stolen Generations.

“He’s basically suggesting that if you just remove the children, you’ll fix everything,” said one horrified community worker. “That’s not crime prevention, that’s historical re-enactment.”

Local residents say the councillor’s comments have once again highlighted a regional tradition of treating generational poverty and trauma like personal choices that can be solved through spreadsheets and moral superiority.

“Apparently we’ve gone from over-policing families to trying to rebrand it as youth work,” said one ratepayer. “He’s not breaking cycles — he’s just repackaging them with a council logo.”

Critics have also noted the irony of a man who publicly divides the community into “shitbags” and “good blokes” being in charge of programs aimed at inclusion and rehabilitation.

“He talks about ‘family dysfunction’ like he’s not part of the system that created it,” said another local. “If he wants to fix generational trauma, he could start by shutting up.”

When pressed on concerns that his comments might echo colonial policies, the councillor reportedly replied, “Nah, this is different — we’ll do it with a grant.”

At press time, the councillor was reportedly drafting a new motion to identify “at-risk youth” using a complex algorithm based on last names, housing type, and vibes — while the rest of the chamber quietly Googled “how to declare a local government emergency for racism.”

The only thing real about this article is the councillor quote and the fact they did want to access health records to ‘deter crime’. Everything is false and is not confirmed to represent reality.