All-Male, Mostly Nationals, Zero Democracy: A Night At Tamworth Council

Tamworth Council has once again proven that satire writes itself, voting against asking residents if they’d like to elect their own mayor because it’s “too expensive” — before approving a $100,000 concept plan for a project based on free child labour.

The decision came after an all-male line-up of councillors delivered what attendees described as “two hours of confusion, contradictions and political improv.”

At one point, a councillor genuinely declared: “I know people want to elect their mayor… but I don’t support that.”

Moments later, another councillor insisted that “the mayor really needs the numbers” — clarifying that loyalty to the mayor was more important than public opinion. “That’s just how good government works,” he added, misunderstanding both words.

The three councillors who dared to support giving residents a voice were swiftly side-eyed by their colleagues — a familiar pattern for the trio, who are reportedly “ostracised for suggesting things like democracy, transparency and logic.”

Meanwhile, the mayor attempted to explain the role of federal and state governments, confusing everyone in the chamber and, in the process, accidentally confirming that the council’s dominant bloc of six ‘independent’ councillors are, in fact, National Party loyalists.

“It’s important to remember we’re not political,” the mayor said, moments before describing how “our side” works with Nationals MPs to get things done.

Observers say the moment was “like watching someone yell ‘I’m not drunk!’ while holding a wine bottle.”

This is the same council currently juggling 13 court cases and four code of conduct investigations, yet still claiming a $40 SurveyMonkey poll would be too extravagant a way to ask residents their opinion.

“Democracy’s just not affordable right now,” said one councillor, before voting to drop $100K on a concept plan for a youth animal-rehoming service built entirely on unpaid labour.

The meeting also featured a passionate tangent about sport for reasons no one has yet explained, and a reminder from another councillor that “you really need to be best friends with the general manager” to get anything done — a statement so honest it briefly stunned the gallery into silence.

Residents have since described the council as “progressive in the way a rotary phone is a smartphone.”

As one local put it: “They can’t afford democracy, they don’t understand government, they’re all secretly Nationals, and they think child labour is innovation. Honestly, it’s impressive.”

This article is false. This is not true and completely made up.