Gala Drama: Roast on menu and stage

Tamworth’s Quality Business Awards, a glittering celebration of sequins, speeches, and sponsorship logos, was briefly overshadowed on Saturday night when a sponsor used their moment on stage to publicly scold a councillor for not attending.

The sponsor, clutching an award that was absolutely not influenced by their sponsorship, told the crowd it was “disappointing” the “popularly elected” councillor had skipped the city’s night of nights.

“Frankly, it’s not good enough,” they declared. “If democracy means anything, it’s that councillors should be contractually obliged to attend chicken-or-beef functions and clap politely for three hours.”

Meanwhile, the sponsor’s own company walked away with two awards: Best Customer Service and Most Likely To Brag On Facebook. Guests whispered that some other sponsors quietly swapped awards just to make the night feel fairer.

The councillor in question, however, had already explained their absence — citing the minor logistical challenge of raising six children, as well as their belief that Council hasn’t exactly been the cheerleader small businesses think it is.

“Look, between school lunches, homework, soccer practice, and everything else, I’m already running a full-time awards night at home,” the councillor said. “And until Council shows it actually supports small business, I’m not sure me applauding at a gala dinner would change much.”

Tamworth Regional Council, a major sponsor of the event, declined to comment on whether “supporting local business” begins and ends with putting their logo on the media wall.

Guests, meanwhile, said the clash added some much-needed drama to the evening.

“Honestly, the councillor’s kids probably had a more exciting night than we did,” admitted one attendee. “At least they got dessert on time.”

This is satire. No councillors, sponsors, or children were harmed in the making of this article.